something i'm not

the last thing i want is to come off as something i'm not. i hate that i come off as a mean person, and i hate that i don't have any idea WHY i do. i truly do not want anyone to think that i am mean or rude... i try so hard to be nice to everyone, and i always worry about the impression i give people when they first meet me and by what i say or do. i get so socially awkward and get social anxiety when i'm out in public or in large groups or crowds, i come off like i think i'm better than everyone else, but really i'm just scared of everyone else. i worry all the time about this. not about people "liking me" because i know some people don't... but about first impressions and people who don't know me personally, how they view me as a person. because like i said, the last thing i want is to come off as something i'm not.

small rant. blahh.

rant

i need a job where i won't be working 4 hours every two weeks. i need a haircut but i don't have money for a haircut and right now i hate my hair and my roots make me look all gross and lazy. i am gross and lazy. i'm sick of mean people and hearing stories of mean people especially mean girls and how evil they are to eachother and i'm sick of people thinking i am a mean girl for no reason and it makes me sad that people think this because i love everyone and try to be nice to everyone and i don't understand. i don't understand why photographers act better than other photographers and like to bring eachother down and bash them around other people for no reason and i think that all photographers should just be friends and chill out and make art and eat a plum and do whatever and leave eachother alone if they've gotta problem which they shouldn't in the first place. jealousy is ugly and i'm jealous all the time so does that mean i'm ugly? i feel ugly when i'm jealous. i need a new lens on my camera before i go crazy, but i don't have a job that pays me even enough for my cell phone bill. i'm sad and worried that no one wants to buy my photo prints and i feel like i am doing something wrong and this entire note is annoying me it's one huge sentence and i don't care and i'm whining and you're probably annoyed reading this but you don't have to keep reading this. i'm sick of my photo editing program crashing every time i press save and having to re-do a photo 5+ times. i'm sick of being socially awkward and feeling like i don't truly get along with any group of people leading me to convince myself that i'm never going to make friends that don't get sick of me in a month because i'd rather drive down dirt roads in the country and sit and talk about fireworks in abandoned houses than go to a party and get drunk. i'd rather star gaze on trampolines for 3 hours and listen to my favorites bands and look for satellites floating by in the sky. i'd rather be alone or with 1 person than with 5 people or more at a party. i'm sick of being afraid of stupid irrational things and feeling like a failure. i want to go back and edit everything i just wrote but i'm not going to and i'm just ranting and whatever. /fin