words have run dry.
but not my eyes.
and i will always love you.
my hands are empty.
yours hold my heart still.
and i will always love you.
my chest feels heavy.
i hope you're breathing easy
and i will always love you.
i feel broken.
i hope you can mend.
and i will always love you.
i don't sleep.
i hope you're dreaming.
and i will always love you.
i'm cut open, bleeding.
i hope you left without scars.
and i will always love you.
i'm not happy.
i hope you are.
because i will always love you.

i like when there isn't wind
but only for a moment or two
let my body feel still air
let my body miss you

You play me like a song.
You're off beat. 
You think you know it perfectly.
You're reading the wrong sheet. 
I'm not a melody written clean. 
I'm not on that page, I can't be seen.
I'm in the air, the sound, the tears. 
I'm the paper itself, aging in years. 
You don't know this music. 
You don't know me. 
You don't know my character. 
You can't play this melody.

I am dizzy.
You know, circles were never my thing.
Now all I need is emptiness.
An abandandond house, you see.
Wraps its empty walls, as arms, all around me.
Feel them closing in, with the sky turning dark blue.
Hear them say "it's okay, I'm alone too."
My legs will shake and quiver.
Another lonely night in another harsh winter.
But these things happen, you see.
& now I don't know what else to do to save you and me.

I don't know why it happened but it did. I broke down half way through my time tonight in front of my camera after what has felt like decades apart. I realized then how much I have missed self-expression. How much I have missed writing, exploring, dancing, and loving. How much of myself has been missing for the past two months. I have a galaxy-sized hole growing beneath my ribcage and I want so badly to close & seal it. Destroy it. But it remains. It has opened itself up once again. It hasn't been here since I was fourteen years young. When I felt alone in the world and alone in myself. It seems that lately I have become quite the master of deception. And, although I have been subconsciously acknowledging my unhappiness for quite some time now, I seem to be the greatest victim of my deception. I have been making the world around me and the mirror believe that every thing is as it should be... that I am still normal and joyous and the same as I have been for years. But I am not the same. No, I am but a phantom of what I used to be. The only person I have been fooling is myself. But, over time I know I will find what I seem to have lost. For not all has been lost. I know over time I will learn, once again, the art of being happy. Until then, I have unwritten words, undocumented photographs formed only into stale & opaque memories in my brain to dance with, and the warm hands of my love that continue to hold & love me unconditionally as I struggle in finding my missing light.

I was out of body
like a shadow
like a spirit
all my work,
I can't go near it.
Cast out on the floor.
Opaque and afraid
I'm a mess.
It's nothing to confess.
I speak truth
nothing less.

i could get up
i could try
i could cry
watch tears turn to rocks
build up on the floor
nothing any more
step on them with my feet
bleed from underneath
feel nothing
though it's something
i'm still here
you're still there
i need to learn to breathe
stop bleeding from underneath
it's okay to show pain, you say
i don't want to show pain, okay?

I dance with the ghosts inside my head. I don't think I know how to push them down, make them disappear. I quite enjoy the comfort they bring, even though I know I shouldn't keep living in the past like I do every day. It's time to move on, but no one taught me how.

is the light really gone,
or am i hiding from it.
accepting things,
for everything.
not changing things,
that can be changed.
staying silent
when i should speak.
am i the enemy,
or is it the light.

To see with both eyes open... what price do we have to pay to move forward from here? What must we sacrifice? Our pride. Shedding our insecurities like the dead skin that they are and setting them aflame. We must to learn to adapt. We must to learn to be patient. We must always listen. My heart races whether you are near or far and my love extends to the very ends of the universe for you. All of you. The end is scary thing when you can see it in the distance. Pushing it away instead of running away was something we both did. Together. I will always push. I will always fight. I will never run away, because that would mean I did not try. I will love you until the end of time, until my skin loosens and my back slowly breaks within me. My body will be weak, but my adoration, my passion, my commitment, always strong.

I did not think anyone could ever feel this way. I did not think I could ever feel this way. Every piece of you, body and soul, is all I ever wanted. The storms we face pass as storms of nature always do. We fight for each other and I have faith that we always will.

 time has passed, 
and i still feel unwell.
you hold my very heart in your hands.
time can not keep passing. 
i can not keeping waiting.
i need the truest truth.
the real you. 
the real me.

I wish memories were tangible things. 
I would set so many on fire.
Watch them burn.
Turn to ash.
Never look back.

And this is my reality.
My insecurities are now owning me.
Boulders on my feet,
cracking the nails,
breaking my toes,
looking for everything of mine to keep.
I need to find strength in something
instead of the nothing
that I surround myself with.
These are choices I have made.
But I'm not listening to these voices.
Anymore.
Anymore.
Nevermore.

don't we all want to write our poems about the rain?
or our daily pains
and how it's not the same
as yours is to how mine is,
as mine is to how theirs is.
it's different, we say.
the rain speaks louder to me, we say.
but i say i don't think that's quite fair.
judging how we hear the voices in the air.
comparing and composing
destroying and bulldozing
we are what is tearing us apart.
artists are losing their hearts.
i say
why can't we all be inspired together,
why can't we dance in the rain forever.

It rained today. It's still raining. I have a headache and I want to eat something bad for me, but I won't. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could be with you. Or maybe I wish I could disappear for a while.

I feel as if I don't know where I sit with anyone anymore. I don't know anyone's thoughts towards me, whether they are positive or negative, though I am always paranoid that they are negative. It isn't healthy, and it needs to stop, but it's so hard to fight it. Being pessimistic when it comes to relationships/friendships has always been something I have struggled with and it seems to stem directly from my extreme insecurities in everything I do and say. My confidence level is below zero most days and it's getting harder to deal with and causing more and more issues in my personal life than anybody should have to deal with.

I've always thought to myself that I have a golden intuition, and I still believe that I do. I had more confidence then. If someone was mad at me, if someone felt a certain way towards me, I always knew, because I could always tell. I picked up on every small detail in their body language and their words and I could judge exactly what was on their mind without them even having to say anything. This used to work for me. I think it's changed forms over these past couple of months as my insecurities have worsened into something that isn't intuition anymore, but simply paranoia. I am losing my ability in realizing whether the thoughts in my head are truly my intuition talking to me or my insecurities.

what am i really fighting for anymore?
is it me?
consistently so constantly only me?
or these chains that bind me?
though i do suppose that is a part of me.
my insecurities are like boulders on my feet.
what am i really fighting for anymore?
is it you?
with your pride you fly so high.
can you see us all from where you are sitting?
i will polish your pedestal you rest your feet on.
i will use the sleeve of my cardigan,
and my very breathe to fog the surface.
wipe away your grimace.
if only i could.
can you see me from where you are sitting?
here i am, i have got my heart in my hands.
blood is collecting in my palms
like the sweaty hands of a performer backstage.
we are alike, you see, in our insecurity, the performer and i.
failure seems unavoidable.
we wear confidence only as a mask,
never as our own flesh.
it doesn't flow in our veins the way it does through yours.
the anxiety overwhelms the mind
while positive thinking is simply left behind.
you laugh at me,
you say i am being dramatic.
tears stain my cheek and you're still laughing.
i am screaming things i don't mean
and you're still laughing.
what am i really fighting for anymore if you're not fighting too?
the implication has been made,
right on time, though i almost hoped you would forget.
it's me i am fighting so it seems.
alone with blood on my hands and fucked up dreams.

i'm at work right now. my new job at the library. i'm at the front desk, leaned up against a wall. i love this job. to my right i can see down library isles and out the huge windows that circle the entire building. there's large, fluffy snowflakes falling down outside. they're pretty, but i'm really over winter already. i work with a lot of older women, and they're all so great. i'm listening to them talk right now, and one of them just said "this weather is hurting my hips!". it makes me realize how great it is to be young right now. embrace it, i will.

there's currently a boy asleep at one of the study tables in front of the desk. i love that people come here to nap. to my right there is a man reading a newspaper one one of our large reading chairs. another person is reading a book across from him. i think other people find peace here too. a different kind of peace than mine. there's something about sitting in a large, almost-empty building, that is so peaceful. not in complete silence though. never is complete silence ever peaceful for me. it is in certain silent moments... moments when i have things to try harder to listen for, or to see. the distant hum of an engine outside of the thick, cold brick walls my back is leaning up against... the low, calm voices of two older men talking down the hallway about the snow... the sounds of fingers typing away at another keyboard on the other side of the room... while i'm wondering what they could possibly be writing about at the exact moment in time as me. maybe they're just on facebook chat. maybe they're writing a new novel. maybe they're writing about themselves. maybe they're writing about you... about me... about the world. but i'll never know that, so i'll change my train of thought to something else. 

after this day is up, the countdown to my month-long europe trip is 12 days away. i can't believe it. i seriously can't believe i'm going to be in europe, with noah, in 12 days. it's been a long three months without him. i don't care what anybody says... "oh, that's not that bad"... "it could be worse"... "distance makes the heart grow stronger" (which i DO agree with)... it's still been really hard. what a great man he is. i'm so lucky, and i'm reminded of it every single day. he's my best friend, he's my chicken soup.

i'm not sure where my mind has been for the past week but it seems to have escaped my skull and found a home elsewhere. this usually wouldn't bother me... because my mind has a way of taking me places i'd rather not go, and overanalyzing situations, picking them apart, until there is nothing left to pick at. but this time it's different, and it's personal. when i usually feel disconnected from myself/mind, it's a self-inflicted disconnection. i pulled the cords apart myself. i decided to become dull on my own time. i took that break from the madness inside of my skull. i chose it. this time i didn't do this on my own. bad news and bad situations seem to keep popping up left and right and it's really wearing me paper thin. my mind must have just said "SCREW THIS" and pulled the plugs itself. either way, it's scary. i've always thought that my mind was the one thing in this world no one would have the ability or the power to take away from me, and yet here i am, scratching at walls, wondering why i can't grasp simple ideas and situations life throws at me, unable to analyze or accept them, because of negative situations and frustrations that are being thrown my way, some by particular sources, others by the mysterious. i've always prided myself in my ability to think things through... of seeing magic in things that some people just... don't. but here i am, with my heart in my hands and my mind at the bottom of the ocean. i'm ready for my grand escape to europe. my heart is going to be soaring.

missing something is hard.
missing someone is harder.

i don't trust anybody.