My entire system has been on a roller coaster ride that won't stop for the past two months. It's all very devastatingly sad... break-ups. Y'know? But we move on and we find strength that was buried under what was once passion. I just worry that one day I'm going to build my walls too high for even myself to crawl over. Now is the time to love myself. I was so unhappy. I was so sad. Even with him. I don't even know who that person is anymore. Whether or not I miss the relationship doesn't change the fact that I am still sad. But I need my love to never be taken for granted again. Because everything I love, I love with a love that is so much more intense than what society thinks love is and sometimes it makes me feel like my skin is burning or my heart is being ripped apart. Passion is beautiful but sometimes it physically pains me. Even with my art. Most days I want to run and run and run and never stop and scream at the top of my lungs into the wind and feel my legs on fire pumping blood and bleeding sweat. And for absolutely no reason at all but to release the flames that are pulsing beneath my rib cage. I don't know what to do, I guess. But I think that is obvious. I just don't know.

I'm really enjoying blogging lately. It's strange how I feel safe to express myself here no matter how personal the subject is. Maybe I feel like no one can read it. Though I still feel like a voice in the darkness screaming because I want to be heard. I think it's because the people that I really want to hear me aren't listening anymore.

There are so many things I want to say to you still and it's overwhelming. I'm vindictive. I want my words to seep into your bloodstream and poison your thoughts. It's sickening how big of a desire there is within me to hurt you. I'm still so angry at you every day for everything you said and didn't say and everything you did and did not do. More often it's for the things you never did. The things I wanted you to do. The things that, in my opinion, you just should have done. I don't care if you read this and I don't care who else does either. I don't care anymore to censor myself. Why should I? Why not just spill my soul even more into something that can't be seen or touched. Kind of like you. I spilled my soul into you, into us. You couldn't be seen. You couldn't be touched.

I wish I was untouchable. Maybe that's the only thing that is admirable about you... your ability at being completely unimpressed and unphased by anyone around you unless it's directly adding a negative weight into your personal life. But then again maybe that's the worst thing about you, because I thank the universe every day that I am nothing like you.

I'm so over people's idea of Friday night fun. See who they can get physical with first out of many different members of the opposite sex. I don't like flirting. I'm bad at it and I'm not interested in it. But yet I still enter these situations and my very being feels dirty while there. I don't want to be surrounded by strangers in a crowed room while under the influence anymore. I just can't find joy there. Only anxiety and a less dramatic, but still very real, form of misery.

I've realized that the only thing that has brought me true happiness lately is my art. That tells me something wonderful, but also makes me worry that artists are doomed with a true, but sometimes hidden, sadness in their realities forever. All I ever want to do is to crawl away into my brain and nap in my imagination all day, every day. It's comfortable and familiar but then it still can surprise me with results that swells my body with a pride that makes me humble.

I'm finding it hard to keep up on a blog like this. I have so many thoughts all the time, and if I took the time to type/write them all out for the world to see, I'd have the potential to come off as either a crazy person or a complete asshole.

Nothing seems to have been going on though a lot has still happened. I have a new car. I have more shoots. But everything is the same, always. Every week, every weekend. Work all day, party all weekend, and it's getting so cliche and so ingenuine. They blend together and I lose sight of what I'm really working towards. Which I don't even know what that is anymore ever since my life was flipped around two months ago.

I feel like I'm still crawling on the ground while he runs past me breathing easy. Cutting him out of my life recently was probably the best thing for me, yet I still find myself wanting to act childish and make or say things that he could possibly see over the internet. Something to get inside his head. But they obviously won't ever get into his head for so many reasons, and the fact that he doesn't even care to pay attention to me anymore, being the number one. Being broken up with is a lot like someone dying to me. It sent my body into complete shock that on a friday night he could say I love you and next day was able to say goodbye to everything.  Anyway, things are getting too personal now and I feel uncomfortable.

Trust is a problem. Always has been. I fear it always will be. What is anyone's intention anymore? To get ahead. To be great. I just want to be happy.

Sometimes I think I'm too full of passion to live in a place like this. Then I remember how great I feel on the open prairie and dirt roads and I realize how depressed I would become by leaving it. I'm scared I'm going stay here and be lonely forever. Why do I love to feel lonely? Why is it, when I'm with people, I'd rather be alone, and when I am alone, I'd rather be with people? I want to find just one person who gets it. One person to dream with and lay in fields topless and free with. Someone to explore every field and every road with. I don't care what they look like and I don't care about sex. I'm so damn vulnerable all the time and aside from it scaring me, I think it scares other people too. I'm sick of plastic love. Sometimes I feel so alone, stuck in my head. "No one gets me". Typical young minded behavior, you know? I feel like the thoughts that consume me, consume me and me alone. No, you can't understand  me. You don't think about the sky the way I do. You don't stare into the ground thinking if you thought harder you could bury your feet. You don't feel the way I do and you never will and I'll never know who to talk to. I never know if I can genuinely love someone ever again.

In therapy the other day I talked about a subject I've never talked about in so much detail with anyone, ever. Now I can't stop thinking about it. It was eight years ago and it feels like it was last week. It's really been bringing me down and today I've had a migraine since I woke up. It's frustrating knowing that person from so long ago still has so much influence on me to this day. I just want to move on and stop being so weak. I'll never ever forgive them. That worries me that I'll never get over it. But who really could?

words have run dry.
but not my eyes.
and i will always love you.
my hands are empty.
yours hold my heart still.
and i will always love you.
my chest feels heavy.
i hope you're breathing easy
and i will always love you.
i feel broken.
i hope you can mend.
and i will always love you.
i don't sleep.
i hope you're dreaming.
and i will always love you.
i'm cut open, bleeding.
i hope you left without scars.
and i will always love you.
i'm not happy.
i hope you are.
because i will always love you.

i like when there isn't wind
but only for a moment or two
let my body feel still air
let my body miss you

You play me like a song.
You're off beat. 
You think you know it perfectly.
You're reading the wrong sheet. 
I'm not a melody written clean. 
I'm not on that page, I can't be seen.
I'm in the air, the sound, the tears. 
I'm the paper itself, aging in years. 
You don't know this music. 
You don't know me. 
You don't know my character. 
You can't play this melody.

I am dizzy.
You know, circles were never my thing.
Now all I need is emptiness.
An abandandond house, you see.
Wraps its empty walls, as arms, all around me.
Feel them closing in, with the sky turning dark blue.
Hear them say "it's okay, I'm alone too."
My legs will shake and quiver.
Another lonely night in another harsh winter.
But these things happen, you see.
& now I don't know what else to do to save you and me.

I don't know why it happened but it did. I broke down half way through my time tonight in front of my camera after what has felt like decades apart. I realized then how much I have missed self-expression. How much I have missed writing, exploring, dancing, and loving. How much of myself has been missing for the past two months. I have a galaxy-sized hole growing beneath my ribcage and I want so badly to close & seal it. Destroy it. But it remains. It has opened itself up once again. It hasn't been here since I was fourteen years young. When I felt alone in the world and alone in myself. It seems that lately I have become quite the master of deception. And, although I have been subconsciously acknowledging my unhappiness for quite some time now, I seem to be the greatest victim of my deception. I have been making the world around me and the mirror believe that every thing is as it should be... that I am still normal and joyous and the same as I have been for years. But I am not the same. No, I am but a phantom of what I used to be. The only person I have been fooling is myself. But, over time I know I will find what I seem to have lost. For not all has been lost. I know over time I will learn, once again, the art of being happy. Until then, I have unwritten words, undocumented photographs formed only into stale & opaque memories in my brain to dance with, and the warm hands of my love that continue to hold & love me unconditionally as I struggle in finding my missing light.

I was out of body
like a shadow
like a spirit
all my work,
I can't go near it.
Cast out on the floor.
Opaque and afraid
I'm a mess.
It's nothing to confess.
I speak truth
nothing less.

i could get up
i could try
i could cry
watch tears turn to rocks
build up on the floor
nothing any more
step on them with my feet
bleed from underneath
feel nothing
though it's something
i'm still here
you're still there
i need to learn to breathe
stop bleeding from underneath
it's okay to show pain, you say
i don't want to show pain, okay?

I dance with the ghosts inside my head. I don't think I know how to push them down, make them disappear. I quite enjoy the comfort they bring, even though I know I shouldn't keep living in the past like I do every day. It's time to move on, but no one taught me how.

is the light really gone,
or am i hiding from it.
accepting things,
for everything.
not changing things,
that can be changed.
staying silent
when i should speak.
am i the enemy,
or is it the light.

To see with both eyes open... what price do we have to pay to move forward from here? What must we sacrifice? Our pride. Shedding our insecurities like the dead skin that they are and setting them aflame. We must to learn to adapt. We must to learn to be patient. We must always listen. My heart races whether you are near or far and my love extends to the very ends of the universe for you. All of you. The end is scary thing when you can see it in the distance. Pushing it away instead of running away was something we both did. Together. I will always push. I will always fight. I will never run away, because that would mean I did not try. I will love you until the end of time, until my skin loosens and my back slowly breaks within me. My body will be weak, but my adoration, my passion, my commitment, always strong.

I did not think anyone could ever feel this way. I did not think I could ever feel this way. Every piece of you, body and soul, is all I ever wanted. The storms we face pass as storms of nature always do. We fight for each other and I have faith that we always will.

 time has passed, 
and i still feel unwell.
you hold my very heart in your hands.
time can not keep passing. 
i can not keeping waiting.
i need the truest truth.
the real you. 
the real me.

I wish memories were tangible things. 
I would set so many on fire.
Watch them burn.
Turn to ash.
Never look back.

And this is my reality.
My insecurities are now owning me.
Boulders on my feet,
cracking the nails,
breaking my toes,
looking for everything of mine to keep.
I need to find strength in something
instead of the nothing
that I surround myself with.
These are choices I have made.
But I'm not listening to these voices.
Anymore.
Anymore.
Nevermore.

don't we all want to write our poems about the rain?
or our daily pains
and how it's not the same
as yours is to how mine is,
as mine is to how theirs is.
it's different, we say.
the rain speaks louder to me, we say.
but i say i don't think that's quite fair.
judging how we hear the voices in the air.
comparing and composing
destroying and bulldozing
we are what is tearing us apart.
artists are losing their hearts.
i say
why can't we all be inspired together,
why can't we dance in the rain forever.

It rained today. It's still raining. I have a headache and I want to eat something bad for me, but I won't. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could be with you. Or maybe I wish I could disappear for a while.

I feel as if I don't know where I sit with anyone anymore. I don't know anyone's thoughts towards me, whether they are positive or negative, though I am always paranoid that they are negative. It isn't healthy, and it needs to stop, but it's so hard to fight it. Being pessimistic when it comes to relationships/friendships has always been something I have struggled with and it seems to stem directly from my extreme insecurities in everything I do and say. My confidence level is below zero most days and it's getting harder to deal with and causing more and more issues in my personal life than anybody should have to deal with.

I've always thought to myself that I have a golden intuition, and I still believe that I do. I had more confidence then. If someone was mad at me, if someone felt a certain way towards me, I always knew, because I could always tell. I picked up on every small detail in their body language and their words and I could judge exactly what was on their mind without them even having to say anything. This used to work for me. I think it's changed forms over these past couple of months as my insecurities have worsened into something that isn't intuition anymore, but simply paranoia. I am losing my ability in realizing whether the thoughts in my head are truly my intuition talking to me or my insecurities.