Sunday, January 16, 2011

i honestly feel like i am at a complete stand still while the world twirls and dances and lives vivaciously around me. i had some weird breakdown last night where i just couldn't stop crying and saying how much i hate it here. but i don't think it's the actual physical place in which i am claiming to feel so stuck in, but stuck among all the people i am surrounded by every day and everywhere i go that are stuck just like me, but maybe don't realize it. i need to get out of this town more than anything in the world, and by april, if i don't get the money i need to get out of the country, i will still be here. stuck. still not moving.

it's still winter here... and i'm starting to hit that patch of nothing in my head where i can't find inspiration or creativity anywhere. i need sunlight warming my back soon. i need to feel grass between my toes and warm air when i'm spinning around aimlessly like a little kid on too much caffeine in wheat fields and abandoned houses.

i AM like a little kid on too much caffeine... i have an appointment with a fancy doctor for my ADD on the 20th, and i dread that day. my mind is always spinning around in every direction, i don't know which way is up. i won't remember pouring a bowl of cereal 5 minutes ago in my kitchen, because i was distracted by sprinkles of glitter falling off of my dresser, and from there continued to walk all over them so they would stick to the bottom of my feet, only so i can crack the joke that i'm "twinkle toes". i can't stay focused on anything unless it's my photography, and even then i move so fast with my editing, i feel like i'm a superhero. maybe i am a superhero. that'd be sweet. i could save people with my camera. how? well, i don't really know, but that doesn't matter right now, because i am on too much caffeine and i'm starting to look at my dry winter hands and want to pick off the fingernail polish from my nails again.

my fingernail polish doesn't stay on for longer than a day. or at least all of it. i like to pick at it, make it looked chipped. make it look like i'm trashy and looking for an adventure. but chipped fingernails or not, i'm always looking for an adventure. i'm always looking for something new to discover and to photograph, and it's still winter and i can't think of what i want to find. i've found my abandoned house, and i've found you. i don't know what i want to find... so i think i'll search for something new. laughter and joy in places where they don't belong. sadness and depression in places of great happiness. i don't know what i'm talking about, really. stop me, please. nevermind, i'll do it.

lately i've been feeling like i just really need something different. not that i'm unhappy with who's in my life and where i am or whatever. we need change right? i just need to see different people and places. just to see what's out there... adventure the world... meet and talk with strangers... buy honey candles and homemade itchy sweaters from sketchy gift shops on the sides of deserted highways. i don't know, i just really need new people. if that started to happen, i'd be so happy. noah and i have plans to drive around all over the US this summer. we're going to get in the car and drive... be gone for a week or maybe just a couple of days... not knowing where we're going or where we'll end up.

i guess that's kind of the way my life is working lately, though. but then again, i don't know anybody who's road has been paved perfectly for them... i mean, there are no manuals. you don't know what life has in store for you, and i think that scares a lot of people. i also think that the things you're scared of are usually the things that are most worthwhile.
i guess i'll find out.