Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I am dizzy.
You know, circles were never my thing.
Now all I need is emptiness.
An abandandond house, you see.
Wraps its empty walls, as arms, all around me.
Feel them closing in, with the sky turning dark blue.
Hear them say "it's okay, I'm alone too."
My legs will shake and quiver.
Another lonely night in another harsh winter.
But these things happen, you see.
& now I don't know what else to do to save you and me.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I don't know why it happened but it did. I broke down half way through my time tonight in front of my camera after what has felt like decades apart. I realized then how much I have missed self-expression. How much I have missed writing, exploring, dancing, and loving. How much of myself has been missing for the past two months. I have a galaxy-sized hole growing beneath my ribcage and I want so badly to close & seal it. Destroy it. But it remains. It has opened itself up once again. It hasn't been here since I was fourteen years young. When I felt alone in the world and alone in myself. It seems that lately I have become quite the master of deception. And, although I have been subconsciously acknowledging my unhappiness for quite some time now, I seem to be the greatest victim of my deception. I have been making the world around me and the mirror believe that every thing is as it should be... that I am still normal and joyous and the same as I have been for years. But I am not the same. No, I am but a phantom of what I used to be. The only person I have been fooling is myself. But, over time I know I will find what I seem to have lost. For not all has been lost. I know over time I will learn, once again, the art of being happy. Until then, I have unwritten words, undocumented photographs formed only into stale & opaque memories in my brain to dance with, and the warm hands of my love that continue to hold & love me unconditionally as I struggle in finding my missing light.