Saturday, November 19, 2011

I don't know why it happened but it did. I broke down half way through my time tonight in front of my camera after what has felt like decades apart. I realized then how much I have missed self-expression. How much I have missed writing, exploring, dancing, and loving. How much of myself has been missing for the past two months. I have a galaxy-sized hole growing beneath my ribcage and I want so badly to close & seal it. Destroy it. But it remains. It has opened itself up once again. It hasn't been here since I was fourteen years young. When I felt alone in the world and alone in myself. It seems that lately I have become quite the master of deception. And, although I have been subconsciously acknowledging my unhappiness for quite some time now, I seem to be the greatest victim of my deception. I have been making the world around me and the mirror believe that every thing is as it should be... that I am still normal and joyous and the same as I have been for years. But I am not the same. No, I am but a phantom of what I used to be. The only person I have been fooling is myself. But, over time I know I will find what I seem to have lost. For not all has been lost. I know over time I will learn, once again, the art of being happy. Until then, I have unwritten words, undocumented photographs formed only into stale & opaque memories in my brain to dance with, and the warm hands of my love that continue to hold & love me unconditionally as I struggle in finding my missing light.

No comments: