i dunno... is it so wrong to be happy over my random small photography acheivements? or just my photography in general? i guess i'm realizing who my real friends are these days by seeing who sticks around as more opportunities present themselves to me, and who leaves and trash talks me behind my back because i'm happy. i honestly feel guilty for having "fans" on my photography page. i feel guilty when someone tells me that they love my photos, because someone will see it, and i almost feel stuck up for just thanking them. i feel guilty for being proud of myself, even for just a minute, because my old "friends" can't stand to hear about it, or see it. maybe i'll just stop.

something is in the air... the atmosphere... the stars... it's making everyone angry. myself included. i'm realizing it and i'm changing it. i'm not going to be this angry person. i refuse to be this angry person. and kind of off topic, but i'm going to try my hardest to not have it effect me anymore when someone says my photography sucks and that my photos would be even worse if i didn't edit them. what.ever. i watched a video Ellen Degeneres made today talking about teen bullying and suicide as a result of it. i can't explain how sad this made me and so.... well.... angry. the world is angry and the world is lashing out at eachother.

gosh... i am terrified of people. so.utterly.terrified. i dunno, maybe if i was naive it'd be easier. if i just thought that everyone was always nice to everybody else... that promises would never be broken... that friendships would last forever... that my heart would never be broken... & that death wasn't really that hard to deal with... maybe it'd be easier. but i'm not naive. i know what it feels like to be stabbed in the back by a friend.... to feel so worthless and alone just over some stupid boy breaking up with me... to feel like my life is over because my friends life is. a lot of people know what it feels like. while i sit at work getting paid to do nothing... i people watch and have seen groups of girls or guys talking trash about their friend standing right in front of them with their back turned. i've seen people talk trash to the cashier about the person that was in line in front of them... about their outfit, or the way they walked, or the way they talked. it makes me want to leap over the counter, run at them full speed, and just shake them until their eyes fall back into their head and they pass out and wake up with some renewed mindset.

but there is hope. i've seen someone pick up a $20 bill someone dropped in front of them and run full speed after them to return it to their hands. i've seen someone compliment another person for no reason... just because they could. i've seen smiles and i've seen genuine love. and not all this just at work. i'm talking in the big ugly world, there are these beautiful souls that give me hope in humanity. that maybe someday things will change. that maybe someday i don't have to feel like i'm preparing for battle every morning i wake up and go online. and that maybe someday i can take off my armor i've been wearing for nearly 20 years and learn to trust people again. my biggest fear is that i'm not one of those people that place hope in other people for humanity. i fear that i am that mean and angry person at the world because people have hurt me and i'm still putting alcohol on my open wounds. i've always been told that i seem like a mean person before people get to know me... that i'm intimidating and unapproachable. i can't explain to anybody how much being told this breaks my heart. it breaks me, and i can't change it.

something i'm not

the last thing i want is to come off as something i'm not. i hate that i come off as a mean person, and i hate that i don't have any idea WHY i do. i truly do not want anyone to think that i am mean or rude... i try so hard to be nice to everyone, and i always worry about the impression i give people when they first meet me and by what i say or do. i get so socially awkward and get social anxiety when i'm out in public or in large groups or crowds, i come off like i think i'm better than everyone else, but really i'm just scared of everyone else. i worry all the time about this. not about people "liking me" because i know some people don't... but about first impressions and people who don't know me personally, how they view me as a person. because like i said, the last thing i want is to come off as something i'm not.

small rant. blahh.

rant

i need a job where i won't be working 4 hours every two weeks. i need a haircut but i don't have money for a haircut and right now i hate my hair and my roots make me look all gross and lazy. i am gross and lazy. i'm sick of mean people and hearing stories of mean people especially mean girls and how evil they are to eachother and i'm sick of people thinking i am a mean girl for no reason and it makes me sad that people think this because i love everyone and try to be nice to everyone and i don't understand. i don't understand why photographers act better than other photographers and like to bring eachother down and bash them around other people for no reason and i think that all photographers should just be friends and chill out and make art and eat a plum and do whatever and leave eachother alone if they've gotta problem which they shouldn't in the first place. jealousy is ugly and i'm jealous all the time so does that mean i'm ugly? i feel ugly when i'm jealous. i need a new lens on my camera before i go crazy, but i don't have a job that pays me even enough for my cell phone bill. i'm sad and worried that no one wants to buy my photo prints and i feel like i am doing something wrong and this entire note is annoying me it's one huge sentence and i don't care and i'm whining and you're probably annoyed reading this but you don't have to keep reading this. i'm sick of my photo editing program crashing every time i press save and having to re-do a photo 5+ times. i'm sick of being socially awkward and feeling like i don't truly get along with any group of people leading me to convince myself that i'm never going to make friends that don't get sick of me in a month because i'd rather drive down dirt roads in the country and sit and talk about fireworks in abandoned houses than go to a party and get drunk. i'd rather star gaze on trampolines for 3 hours and listen to my favorites bands and look for satellites floating by in the sky. i'd rather be alone or with 1 person than with 5 people or more at a party. i'm sick of being afraid of stupid irrational things and feeling like a failure. i want to go back and edit everything i just wrote but i'm not going to and i'm just ranting and whatever. /fin

thoughts

i realize more and more every day why i don't have many girls that are close friends. i like their faces until i see their second one. keep it real ladies, seriously... or just stay out and shutup about my personal life unless you really know what's going on... *sigh. i don't have many close friends at all. this isn't because i'm so involved with my boyfriend that i don't have any time for anyone else, like the recent rumors suggest... it's because i don't trust anybody. and especially lately, certain people are beginning to justify my reasons for not trusting them, with their actions and words. people can get nasty... people scare me. maybe there's more reasons as to why i don't have many close friends afterall.

let gooo

arrogance doesn't look good on anybody.

i know you think it looks good on you.

i break down,

i see what the world has turned you in to

and it hurts.

you're not fooling us

you're only fooling you

and i think how much i once looked up to you.

what have you become

tell me what have you become

you're breaking my heart

i'm telling you you're breaking my heart