I sold my love on the corner of your heart and mine.

Wanting to be in love with someone doesn't make you desperate, it makes you human.

i take every word you say still
when they're not even towards me anymore
i take them all and swallow them whole
i wash them down with my own self pity
interesting
isn't it
you now claim to be everything i was
everything that you made me feel less of a person for being
if love confuses you it's because you don't know love
love isn't confusing, people are
you were
people balance their love on steeples and glass
on half full and half empty gin drinks
if only i could just stand up
walk away and be okay
my dear friends' eyes tell me that it's time that i packed you up
but memory is still attached to my skin
and packing you up means to pack up me
it's obvious in my own eyes
i'm not ready

i'm growing colder, my heart is like a stone

i want to remember what it's like to feel weightless

to stop searching for reasons to be unwell

I can't define the passion I feel in my chest for the simple things, all I know is how much it all means to me.

when my roots turn to water in the ground
when my hair turns to dust
i know i've found what it takes
to call myself living
i've lived
and that's enough
so turn me to water
watch my dust blow away

coloring myself into brighter days
days the cold can't even stop
i'm the artist
i've got the brush that you've had for too long
TRY TO COLOR INSIDE MY LINES

i'm untouchable now

touch my skin
use your fingerprints as bulletsi want to become the beautiful thing that you are

I feel as though I may touch the stars with my breath if I scream to the night sky loudly enough. I am inspired tonight.

hold me like a dry flower
because my petals are still hungry
i'm thirsty, come on and fill me up
i don't turn technicolor for just anyone

ignite my bones again
what's it like to love anything
my flesh can't remember
it's searching for fingerprints
that have burned away

pick me apart until my flesh becomes a puzzle on the floor
you wouldn't know the pieces to place together even if you tore them apart yourself
but go on and continue as if you would
my heart is an easy read to those with hearts that can't speak
you make stories for me
pretend that you really know me
but you don't know where i've left my fingerprints
you don't know where my lovers lips once touched
you don't know what has broken my heart
you don't know which stained glass windows were once my safety blanket
you don't know what ignites my bones
even if i spoke to you the secret that does
you wouldn't
you couldn't
there's no time but the present
it's time to focus on something new
stop analyzing me
start analyzing you

i don't know if i'll ever forgive you
which is now kind of pathetic, i think
a man who thinks of no one
commands my heart on how much alcohol i should drink
tonight maybe i'll have three glasses
tomorrow maybe i'll smoke some bowls
all these things are medicine to me now
to help me forget the man without a soul
doesn't make a lot sense does it?
not many things these days truly do
it didn't make sense you claimed you loved me
like it didn't make sense i really loved you
so if you need me i'll be that bitter artist
the girl who can't learn to forget
if you need me i'll be long gone from here
the girl who's taking steps
every single one farther away from you
& with every step i still won't wish you well
maybe anger is my poison
but your pride will drag you to hell

Today was a really fine day even though I didn't do anything besides going to work that was remotely productive. I've been watching movies all day, but I made two great phone calls that made my plans for this weekend come to life. Day one without meat wasn't hard either. Made an awesome dinner with pasta, asparagus and squash, and had a really delicious spinach dip later on. I'm bitter about some things today but overall I really can't complain much.

I am going to fall in love again someday and it's going to stop my pulse for seconds, maybe minutes. It's not going to be mediocre and it's not going to be forced. It's going to make the tips of my fingers tingle and my feet feel like they're not touching the ground that is beneath them. It will be perfect in its imperfections, and to them I will be perfect in all of my imperfections. They won't be seeking purely sex, they won't treat love like a game, and they won't treat me like I'm ordinary. The passion within me will never again be laid down on a line for someone to walk over and walk away from. It will seep from my pores into theirs and I will be forever enchanted. So, until that happens, I don't have time for anything else.

I love traveling photos. Photos of strangers on their daily commute. Photos of the faces of those who are on foreign grounds. The electric love in their eyes. I need to stomp the grounds of this planet and leave pieces of my heart in the grounds of wherever I travel. I need to wander, because that is when I am most at home.

i am not afraid 
of being in the darkness
but becoming it

sometimes when i wake up

my body feels your arms still there
as if you never left with them  
but those fell away ages ago
like my walls did when we first met
fell away while i stayed here and wept
& that cold basement floor
where you first kissed me
forever will be the quicksand beneath my feet
where i stood making the choice to love you
and where you said, please be with me.
in my memory
your old bedroom is decaying
the sunlight doesn't bathe morning skin
it burns through carpet
and melts all feeling.
in my memory that basement floor is dirt.
there isn't new love forming.
new decay is only showing.
i see it now in my face
without grace
and you gone without a trace.

My skin still burns from your fingerprints.
My eyes still bleed for our memories.
I am ready for my tear ducts to dry up.
I am ready to find a purpose 
outside of the only purpose I knew
which was loving you.

Sometimes I wish I never celebrated new years eve that year. I met you that night. The cold, sticky cement basement floor of that crowded and damp house will forever be the quicksand beneath my feet where I stood making a choice to love you.

tonight i deleted all of our emails wishing they were letters instead.
painful memories are easier to feel better about if you watch them burn, i think. 
if only more things that made us sad were tangible…
there would be fires a lot.
souls all across the earth crying out in pain,
filling the sky with their cries
while the reason for the lumps in their throats turn to ash.
orange light dancing on every horizon in the dead of night
surrounded by the smell of burning lies.
i hope you’ll admit to all of yours some day.
i’ll never forget you telling me which pills would work best to fix me.
i really believed there was something broken in me.
i hate how long it took me to realize it was us.
i wish that fact were tangible.
i would turn it to ash.
put the ashes in a tin can and carry it for a block or two.
feel the weight of what emotions can do.
and did.

I ache for love yet want nothing to do with it.

does my skin need to be pricked
in order to feel i am bleeding
because i see crimson leaving
my heart beats and i can't feel it
you've stolen the life out of me
i'm bleeding without cuts
just like i used to dance without music
then you'd smile at me
and i knew i was embarrassing you
i know you only thought of me as pretentious
you didn't know what to do with me
my quirks scared you
and your lack of them scared me
and i was bleeding
always
for you
you always said i was too fragile
maybe so
but maybe you were too rough
the feel of a diamond
but you were coal burning away
you were too empty for me
and i was to fragile for you to stay

bond over alcohol
why can't we bond over our breaths
and the steps we take 
that go in the same direction
the steps we take
that may not make sense
because i want to bond
over what makes my heart soar
not what kind of alcohol will get me more horny
because i'm not that kind of girl
you can't take me on a whirl
i'd get too dizzy anyway
projectile vomit on your already dirty sheets and say
"i'm sorry i don't want to be your next puzzle"
because i'm not something you need to figure out
to fix and put together, i'm not getting better
i'm me and that's what you need to see
but you see my big hair
my short dresses with long legs
and you wonder
what they would feel like wrapped around yours
well i'm not interesting so don't call me that
i don't want to be told i'm amazing
don't kiss my ass
i'm a girl you'll get sick of fast
so you want to bond over alcohol?
yeah, i'll take your free shot
but then i'm gone to look at the stars
cause unless they're in your eyes
that's the only thing
i want to make love to in this town

and maybe if it wasn't so hard to forget
i'd forgotten by now
but i've got hidden strings on my wrists
and i still can't cut the ends
& burn them so that i don't unravel apart
my hands weren't meant for yours
and i knew that from the start
but what good does admitting truths do
when i'm still me and you're still you
and i hate whatever is inside of your chest
that made me throw my hands up
forget the rest
make a nest
and turn away from what i needed most
i want to burn it the way i need to burn this bridge
combine the two and smile & cringe

"You should know that there is something worse than hate and that is unlove. Because hate is anger over something lost, hate is passion, hate is misguided, it's caring for the wrong things but it is still caring. But unlove, unlove is to unkiss, to unremember, to unhold, to undream, to undo everything that ever was and leave smooth stone behind in its wake. No fire. No fury. Just, nothing. And that is worse than hate."

I'm not really a good person and I don't want to pretend I am anymore. I'm prideful and I'm messy and I'm lonely and I'm angry and I'm lost. I have sick thoughts and mean thoughts and I feel like there are so many people that secretly hate me and it confuses me. I love myself... but I'm not sure who I am. I'm sick of pretending and being confused. I'm sick of men screwing me over. I'm sick of thinking every new person I fall in love with is gonna be the one who saves me, and I'm sick of falling in love. I just want to figure it all out and I can't and it makes me want to rip my skin off and set it on fire. I want to figure out what the hell I am doing with my art. I want to figure out what I really want with it. I know it makes me feel something. I want to get the hell out of this fucking town, get in my car and drive forever. I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I give everyone too much power in my life.

I just want to feel beautiful and the television doesn't make me feel beautiful and the internet doesn't make me feel beautiful I make myself feel beautiful but I don't feel beautiful.

I wonder what's really behind the blacks of your eyes when you sleep at night. When you blink repeatedly from the wind with tears streaming down your cheeks. When your head bursts with pain and your fingers squeeze tightly where bone and cartilage meet on your nose as your eyelids take away imagery and light.

I wonder I wander I want and I need.

To any man in my future.

"i want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
i want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
i want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me go, you know
i never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?
i want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
if you hear me talking
listen to what i'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what i'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the silences i wrote
don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it
i'm tired of being the interesting one
i'm tired of having fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and i might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
i want somebody who can make me
scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money
i want someone who can
twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything
what have you got?
i want someone who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words i want someone
who's not afraid of themself
do you think i'm asking too much?"

- Ani DiFranco

I think the person I now miss was never even that person to begin with. I used to get so emotionally caught up in any attention any man ever gave to me I was easily fooled and blinded by what I believed was love, accepting the way that I was being treated by them, even knowing it was wrong. I often think if my dependency for attention comes from never having enough of it as a child. Or, at least when I DID get it, it was always negative with bullying. I'm at a point now where the attention I get is no longer seen as positive, but something I don't want or don't want to deal with. I feel so empty and apathetic and it kind of sucks. I wish I could feel again.

If I ever fall in love again, it will be with an artist not an intellectual. I hate that you're back in town.

It's my time. I must find myself before anyone can find me.

You know those memories you tell yourself you never want to forget? What happens when you change your mind?

My entire system has been on a roller coaster ride that won't stop for the past two months. It's all very devastatingly sad... break-ups. Y'know? But we move on and we find strength that was buried under what was once passion. I just worry that one day I'm going to build my walls too high for even myself to crawl over. Now is the time to love myself. I was so unhappy. I was so sad. Even with him. I don't even know who that person is anymore. Whether or not I miss the relationship doesn't change the fact that I am still sad. But I need my love to never be taken for granted again. Because everything I love, I love with a love that is so much more intense than what society thinks love is and sometimes it makes me feel like my skin is burning or my heart is being ripped apart. Passion is beautiful but sometimes it physically pains me. Even with my art. Most days I want to run and run and run and never stop and scream at the top of my lungs into the wind and feel my legs on fire pumping blood and bleeding sweat. And for absolutely no reason at all but to release the flames that are pulsing beneath my rib cage. I don't know what to do, I guess. But I think that is obvious. I just don't know.

I'm really enjoying blogging lately. It's strange how I feel safe to express myself here no matter how personal the subject is. Maybe I feel like no one can read it. Though I still feel like a voice in the darkness screaming because I want to be heard. I think it's because the people that I really want to hear me aren't listening anymore.

There are so many things I want to say to you still and it's overwhelming. I'm vindictive. I want my words to seep into your bloodstream and poison your thoughts. It's sickening how big of a desire there is within me to hurt you. I'm still so angry at you every day for everything you said and didn't say and everything you did and did not do. More often it's for the things you never did. The things I wanted you to do. The things that, in my opinion, you just should have done. I don't care if you read this and I don't care who else does either. I don't care anymore to censor myself. Why should I? Why not just spill my soul even more into something that can't be seen or touched. Kind of like you. I spilled my soul into you, into us. You couldn't be seen. You couldn't be touched.

I wish I was untouchable. Maybe that's the only thing that is admirable about you... your ability at being completely unimpressed and unphased by anyone around you unless it's directly adding a negative weight into your personal life. But then again maybe that's the worst thing about you, because I thank the universe every day that I am nothing like you.

I'm so over people's idea of Friday night fun. See who they can get physical with first out of many different members of the opposite sex. I don't like flirting. I'm bad at it and I'm not interested in it. But yet I still enter these situations and my very being feels dirty while there. I don't want to be surrounded by strangers in a crowed room while under the influence anymore. I just can't find joy there. Only anxiety and a less dramatic, but still very real, form of misery.

I've realized that the only thing that has brought me true happiness lately is my art. That tells me something wonderful, but also makes me worry that artists are doomed with a true, but sometimes hidden, sadness in their realities forever. All I ever want to do is to crawl away into my brain and nap in my imagination all day, every day. It's comfortable and familiar but then it still can surprise me with results that swells my body with a pride that makes me humble.

I'm finding it hard to keep up on a blog like this. I have so many thoughts all the time, and if I took the time to type/write them all out for the world to see, I'd have the potential to come off as either a crazy person or a complete asshole.

Nothing seems to have been going on though a lot has still happened. I have a new car. I have more shoots. But everything is the same, always. Every week, every weekend. Work all day, party all weekend, and it's getting so cliche and so ingenuine. They blend together and I lose sight of what I'm really working towards. Which I don't even know what that is anymore ever since my life was flipped around two months ago.

I feel like I'm still crawling on the ground while he runs past me breathing easy. Cutting him out of my life recently was probably the best thing for me, yet I still find myself wanting to act childish and make or say things that he could possibly see over the internet. Something to get inside his head. But they obviously won't ever get into his head for so many reasons, and the fact that he doesn't even care to pay attention to me anymore, being the number one. Being broken up with is a lot like someone dying to me. It sent my body into complete shock that on a friday night he could say I love you and next day was able to say goodbye to everything.  Anyway, things are getting too personal now and I feel uncomfortable.

Trust is a problem. Always has been. I fear it always will be. What is anyone's intention anymore? To get ahead. To be great. I just want to be happy.

Sometimes I think I'm too full of passion to live in a place like this. Then I remember how great I feel on the open prairie and dirt roads and I realize how depressed I would become by leaving it. I'm scared I'm going stay here and be lonely forever. Why do I love to feel lonely? Why is it, when I'm with people, I'd rather be alone, and when I am alone, I'd rather be with people? I want to find just one person who gets it. One person to dream with and lay in fields topless and free with. Someone to explore every field and every road with. I don't care what they look like and I don't care about sex. I'm so damn vulnerable all the time and aside from it scaring me, I think it scares other people too. I'm sick of plastic love. Sometimes I feel so alone, stuck in my head. "No one gets me". Typical young minded behavior, you know? I feel like the thoughts that consume me, consume me and me alone. No, you can't understand  me. You don't think about the sky the way I do. You don't stare into the ground thinking if you thought harder you could bury your feet. You don't feel the way I do and you never will and I'll never know who to talk to. I never know if I can genuinely love someone ever again.

In therapy the other day I talked about a subject I've never talked about in so much detail with anyone, ever. Now I can't stop thinking about it. It was eight years ago and it feels like it was last week. It's really been bringing me down and today I've had a migraine since I woke up. It's frustrating knowing that person from so long ago still has so much influence on me to this day. I just want to move on and stop being so weak. I'll never ever forgive them. That worries me that I'll never get over it. But who really could?

words have run dry.
but not my eyes.
and i will always love you.
my hands are empty.
yours hold my heart still.
and i will always love you.
my chest feels heavy.
i hope you're breathing easy
and i will always love you.
i feel broken.
i hope you can mend.
and i will always love you.
i don't sleep.
i hope you're dreaming.
and i will always love you.
i'm cut open, bleeding.
i hope you left without scars.
and i will always love you.
i'm not happy.
i hope you are.
because i will always love you.

i like when there isn't wind
but only for a moment or two
let my body feel still air
let my body miss you