To any man in my future.

"i want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
i want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
i want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me go, you know
i never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?
i want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
if you hear me talking
listen to what i'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what i'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the silences i wrote
don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it
i'm tired of being the interesting one
i'm tired of having fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and i might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
i want somebody who can make me
scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money
i want someone who can
twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything
what have you got?
i want someone who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words i want someone
who's not afraid of themself
do you think i'm asking too much?"

- Ani DiFranco

I think the person I now miss was never even that person to begin with. I used to get so emotionally caught up in any attention any man ever gave to me I was easily fooled and blinded by what I believed was love, accepting the way that I was being treated by them, even knowing it was wrong. I often think if my dependency for attention comes from never having enough of it as a child. Or, at least when I DID get it, it was always negative with bullying. I'm at a point now where the attention I get is no longer seen as positive, but something I don't want or don't want to deal with. I feel so empty and apathetic and it kind of sucks. I wish I could feel again.

If I ever fall in love again, it will be with an artist not an intellectual. I hate that you're back in town.

It's my time. I must find myself before anyone can find me.

You know those memories you tell yourself you never want to forget? What happens when you change your mind?