Saturday, December 17, 2011

You play me like a song.
You're off beat. 
You think you know it perfectly.
You're reading the wrong sheet. 
I'm not a melody written clean. 
I'm not on that page, I can't be seen.
I'm in the air, the sound, the tears. 
I'm the paper itself, aging in years. 
You don't know this music. 
You don't know me. 
You don't know my character. 
You can't play this melody.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I am dizzy.
You know, circles were never my thing.
Now all I need is emptiness.
An abandandond house, you see.
Wraps its empty walls, as arms, all around me.
Feel them closing in, with the sky turning dark blue.
Hear them say "it's okay, I'm alone too."
My legs will shake and quiver.
Another lonely night in another harsh winter.
But these things happen, you see.
& now I don't know what else to do to save you and me.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I don't know why it happened but it did. I broke down half way through my time tonight in front of my camera after what has felt like decades apart. I realized then how much I have missed self-expression. How much I have missed writing, exploring, dancing, and loving. How much of myself has been missing for the past two months. I have a galaxy-sized hole growing beneath my ribcage and I want so badly to close & seal it. Destroy it. But it remains. It has opened itself up once again. It hasn't been here since I was fourteen years young. When I felt alone in the world and alone in myself. It seems that lately I have become quite the master of deception. And, although I have been subconsciously acknowledging my unhappiness for quite some time now, I seem to be the greatest victim of my deception. I have been making the world around me and the mirror believe that every thing is as it should be... that I am still normal and joyous and the same as I have been for years. But I am not the same. No, I am but a phantom of what I used to be. The only person I have been fooling is myself. But, over time I know I will find what I seem to have lost. For not all has been lost. I know over time I will learn, once again, the art of being happy. Until then, I have unwritten words, undocumented photographs formed only into stale & opaque memories in my brain to dance with, and the warm hands of my love that continue to hold & love me unconditionally as I struggle in finding my missing light.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I was out of body
like a shadow
like a spirit
all my work,
I can't go near it.
Cast out on the floor.
Opaque and afraid
I'm a mess.
It's nothing to confess.
I speak truth
nothing less.

Friday, October 28, 2011

i could get up
i could try
i could cry
watch tears turn to rocks
build up on the floor
nothing any more
step on them with my feet
bleed from underneath
feel nothing
though it's something
i'm still here
you're still there
i need to learn to breathe
stop bleeding from underneath
it's okay to show pain, you say
i don't want to show pain, okay?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I dance with the ghosts inside my head. I don't think I know how to push them down, make them disappear. I quite enjoy the comfort they bring, even though I know I shouldn't keep living in the past like I do every day. It's time to move on, but no one taught me how.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

is the light really gone,
or am i hiding from it.
accepting things,
for everything.
not changing things,
that can be changed.
staying silent
when i should speak.
am i the enemy,
or is it the light.

Monday, October 10, 2011

To see with both eyes open... what price do we have to pay to move forward from here? What must we sacrifice? Our pride. Shedding our insecurities like the dead skin that they are and setting them aflame. We must to learn to adapt. We must to learn to be patient. We must always listen. My heart races whether you are near or far and my love extends to the very ends of the universe for you. All of you. The end is scary thing when you can see it in the distance. Pushing it away instead of running away was something we both did. Together. I will always push. I will always fight. I will never run away, because that would mean I did not try. I will love you until the end of time, until my skin loosens and my back slowly breaks within me. My body will be weak, but my adoration, my passion, my commitment, always strong.

I did not think anyone could ever feel this way. I did not think I could ever feel this way. Every piece of you, body and soul, is all I ever wanted. The storms we face pass as storms of nature always do. We fight for each other and I have faith that we always will.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

 time has passed, 
and i still feel unwell.
you hold my very heart in your hands.
time can not keep passing. 
i can not keeping waiting.
i need the truest truth.
the real you. 
the real me.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I wish memories were tangible things. 
I would set so many on fire.
Watch them burn.
Turn to ash.
Never look back.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

And this is my reality.
My insecurities are now owning me.
Boulders on my feet,
cracking the nails,
breaking my toes,
looking for everything of mine to keep.
I need to find strength in something
instead of the nothing
that I surround myself with.
These are choices I have made.
But I'm not listening to these voices.

don't we all want to write our poems about the rain?
or our daily pains
and how it's not the same
as yours is to how mine is,
as mine is to how theirs is.
it's different, we say.
the rain speaks louder to me, we say.
but i say i don't think that's quite fair.
judging how we hear the voices in the air.
comparing and composing
destroying and bulldozing
we are what is tearing us apart.
artists are losing their hearts.
i say
why can't we all be inspired together,
why can't we dance in the rain forever.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

It rained today. It's still raining. I have a headache and I want to eat something bad for me, but I won't. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could be with you. Or maybe I wish I could disappear for a while.

I feel as if I don't know where I sit with anyone anymore. I don't know anyone's thoughts towards me, whether they are positive or negative, though I am always paranoid that they are negative. It isn't healthy, and it needs to stop, but it's so hard to fight it. Being pessimistic when it comes to relationships/friendships has always been something I have struggled with and it seems to stem directly from my extreme insecurities in everything I do and say. My confidence level is below zero most days and it's getting harder to deal with and causing more and more issues in my personal life than anybody should have to deal with.

I've always thought to myself that I have a golden intuition, and I still believe that I do. I had more confidence then. If someone was mad at me, if someone felt a certain way towards me, I always knew, because I could always tell. I picked up on every small detail in their body language and their words and I could judge exactly what was on their mind without them even having to say anything. This used to work for me. I think it's changed forms over these past couple of months as my insecurities have worsened into something that isn't intuition anymore, but simply paranoia. I am losing my ability in realizing whether the thoughts in my head are truly my intuition talking to me or my insecurities.
what am i really fighting for anymore?
is it me?
consistently so constantly only me?
or these chains that bind me?
though i do suppose that is a part of me.
my insecurities are like boulders on my feet.
what am i really fighting for anymore?
is it you?
with your pride you fly so high.
can you see us all from where you are sitting?
i will polish your pedestal you rest your feet on.
i will use the sleeve of my cardigan,
and my very breathe to fog the surface.
wipe away your grimace.
if only i could.
can you see me from where you are sitting?
here i am, i have got my heart in my hands.
blood is collecting in my palms
like the sweaty hands of a performer backstage.
we are alike, you see, in our insecurity, the performer and i.
failure seems unavoidable.
we wear confidence only as a mask,
never as our own flesh.
it doesn't flow in our veins the way it does through yours.
the anxiety overwhelms the mind
while positive thinking is simply left behind.
you laugh at me,
you say i am being dramatic.
tears stain my cheek and you're still laughing.
i am screaming things i don't mean
and you're still laughing.
what am i really fighting for anymore if you're not fighting too?
the implication has been made,
right on time, though i almost hoped you would forget.
it's me i am fighting so it seems.
alone with blood on my hands and fucked up dreams.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

i'm at work right now. my new job at the library. i'm at the front desk, leaned up against a wall. i love this job. to my right i can see down library isles and out the huge windows that circle the entire building. there's large, fluffy snowflakes falling down outside. they're pretty, but i'm really over winter already. i work with a lot of older women, and they're all so great. i'm listening to them talk right now, and one of them just said "this weather is hurting my hips!". it makes me realize how great it is to be young right now. embrace it, i will.

there's currently a boy asleep at one of the study tables in front of the desk. i love that people come here to nap. to my right there is a man reading a newspaper one one of our large reading chairs. another person is reading a book across from him. i think other people find peace here too. a different kind of peace than mine. there's something about sitting in a large, almost-empty building, that is so peaceful. not in complete silence though. never is complete silence ever peaceful for me. it is in certain silent moments... moments when i have things to try harder to listen for, or to see. the distant hum of an engine outside of the thick, cold brick walls my back is leaning up against... the low, calm voices of two older men talking down the hallway about the snow... the sounds of fingers typing away at another keyboard on the other side of the room... while i'm wondering what they could possibly be writing about at the exact moment in time as me. maybe they're just on facebook chat. maybe they're writing a new novel. maybe they're writing about themselves. maybe they're writing about you... about me... about the world. but i'll never know that, so i'll change my train of thought to something else. 

after this day is up, the countdown to my month-long europe trip is 12 days away. i can't believe it. i seriously can't believe i'm going to be in europe, with noah, in 12 days. it's been a long three months without him. i don't care what anybody says... "oh, that's not that bad"... "it could be worse"... "distance makes the heart grow stronger" (which i DO agree with)... it's still been really hard. what a great man he is. i'm so lucky, and i'm reminded of it every single day. he's my best friend, he's my chicken soup.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

i'm not sure where my mind has been for the past week but it seems to have escaped my skull and found a home elsewhere. this usually wouldn't bother me... because my mind has a way of taking me places i'd rather not go, and overanalyzing situations, picking them apart, until there is nothing left to pick at. but this time it's different, and it's personal. when i usually feel disconnected from myself/mind, it's a self-inflicted disconnection. i pulled the cords apart myself. i decided to become dull on my own time. i took that break from the madness inside of my skull. i chose it. this time i didn't do this on my own. bad news and bad situations seem to keep popping up left and right and it's really wearing me paper thin. my mind must have just said "SCREW THIS" and pulled the plugs itself. either way, it's scary. i've always thought that my mind was the one thing in this world no one would have the ability or the power to take away from me, and yet here i am, scratching at walls, wondering why i can't grasp simple ideas and situations life throws at me, unable to analyze or accept them, because of negative situations and frustrations that are being thrown my way, some by particular sources, others by the mysterious. i've always prided myself in my ability to think things through... of seeing magic in things that some people just... don't. but here i am, with my heart in my hands and my mind at the bottom of the ocean. i'm ready for my grand escape to europe. my heart is going to be soaring.

Monday, February 28, 2011

missing something is hard.
missing someone is harder.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

i don't trust anybody.

Sunday, February 06, 2011

you know, my dreams are pretty interesting. they're always so vivid, with so much detail, like i'm watching a movie... and i always remember them, which i hear isn't common. for that, i am sometimes grateful... other times i'm not... my dream from a couple weeks ago i don't think i'll ever forget even if i wanted to. i know my subconscious was trying to tell me something big. something important. it had to scare me to make me hear it. it worked. i had to force myself awake from my dream. i still can't forget it, it's clinging to me.

it started out with my entire family at my grandma's house. cousins, uncles, aunts... all there. it felt like thanksgiving, but i knew it wasn't. there was food all ready to be dished up on to plates, and there was a golden, warm, and welcoming light thoughout the entire room. it was almost hazy. i guess i could just feel the love. my grandma called everyone into the living room to start praying for the meal before we started eating, and we all bowed our heads as she started to pray. about thirty seconds into her prayer, my phone vibrated in my jacket pocket. i got a text message from my aunt cindy on the other side of the room. i was wondering why she had texted me, but opened my phone to read it regardless: "your autobiographies need to stop". i was confused, and i looked up in her direction, but she wasn't where she was before i closed my eyes to pray.. it was a different woman in her place, staring at me... angry. but not just a little upset with a snarl in her lip. i have never seen someone look so angry in my entire life. it was threatening. almost paralyzingly frightening. i became aware of this fear and my heart started to race. i could feel the adrenaline rushing through me. she kept staring. she was holding a cell phone in her hand. my aunt's phone. i knew this woman texted me. i knew i wasn't imaginging it.. but i closed my eyes as tight as i could, hoping i did imagine it. i was waiting for my grandma to finish the prayer, and at this point, i prayed it would just finish.

after what seemed like years, everyone said "amen" and started making their way into the kitchen. i looked up and around, looking for that woman, but my aunt was back in her place, and she was gone. i became hysterical. i ran at my aunt and grabbed her by the arm screaming, "what do you mean?! what autobiographies?! what are you talking about?! WHO ARE YOU???" at that moment, everyone in the room turned around and faced me and everyone was screaming at me now. "your autobiographies have to stop! stop taking photos! no one cares about your photos!" i started crying and screaming and i pushed through everyone (at this point there were so many bodies lining the walls, it was terribly hard to push through them all).

i ran out the door and collapsed on the cold ground, which i felt was cement. i wasn't at my grandma's house anymore. i was on the long road to my house. empty. no houses on this part of the road... it is along side the river with tall trees lining the right and the river on the left over a field or two. it was foggy... so foggy i couldn't see my hand in front of my face. i couldn't breathe, it was so heavy. i was crawling on my hands and knees, trying to get home, but i could barely move. i was crying. i tried to stand up to run, but i couldn't, and i fell back down, only to crawl longer. i was approaching the highway underpass... when i got underneath it, i collapsed and curled up on the curb, buried my face in my palms and sobbed. "why can't i move?" i though to myself. after a short while of being alone under the bridge, i hear clicking, like dog's toenails on cement. i look up and i see my dog sadie, who was put to sleep last august. in my dream, i knew she had died, so i became hysterical again, wonderful what she was doing here. she was limping towards me, the way she did before she died, and was wimpering as she walked to me. she layed down below me at my feet, and her back started breaking. she was morphing, and i could hear her spine being crushed and tangled and twisted and it was terrible, just terrible. i was shaking and crying and i wanted to scream but i couldn't, only squeaks of sound came crawling out of my throat. she kept curling and twisting until she finally ended up dying at my feet. i was petrified. i picked her up and tried to run. i couldn't move. i laid her down on the wet grass, and i ran away. this time i wasn't crawling. i sprinted down the foggy road for what seemed like miles and miles, until i got to my backyard. i stumbled up the porch and flew into my house and slammed the door shut with my back, sinking to the ground, still crying, but exhausted... completely out of breath. safe.

i kept my head on my knees until i calmed down. when i finally composed myself i brought my head up, only to see someone sitting at my kitchen table. it was the same woman at my grandma's house that was staring at me when everyone was praying. before i could say anything to her, she started screaming. no words, just a loud, ear peircing, terrifying scream... her eyes wide in anger again. i had to cover my ears, i couldn't handle the volume of her screams. she was screaming again, "your autobiographies need to stop!" i couldn't handle it anymore, i scrambled for the door knob and ran out as fast as i could through the back door to my yard... but it wasn't my yard anymore...

i was in a forest, and there was a hill in front of me, with an old stone staircase in the center. i was barefoot, and i walked across a moss-infested path to the stairs. when i arrived at the top, i was in a stone room. it was long, dark, and there were holes in the ceiling with beams of light coming down onto what looked like dogs lining the walls all the way to the end of what looked like a never ending hallway. my parents were there. they were pacing back and forth, watching the dogs, sobbing. they were dying. the dogs were tied to the walls and they were slowly, but quietly, dying. i was horrified. i ran up to my mom and grabbed her by the shoulders and screamed, demanding what was going on, why this was happening. all she did was hugged me, and sobbed into my shoulder. i held her, and she finally spoke... "everyone is dying... why is the world so cruel? everyone is losing themselves. we are losing ourselves." and i knew then these dogs were not dogs. they represented souls... hearts... they weren't dogs anymore, they were spheres of light... slowly dimming. slowly going out. i fell to the ground and i sobbed. i gripped the moss, i tore it out, i could feel my fingernails breaking against the stone. i kept crying and crying and crying and i screamed WAKE UP EMMA WAKE UP.

i woke up. i was awake. i was exhausted. i was tense. i was sweating. and i was crying. awake. finally. but it felt so real. i took time to reflect... to think... i believe my subconsious scared me into knowing how terrifyingly open i was being with people i did not know. i quit my diary entires on my facebook page for reasons deeper than the hateful messages i was receiving for posting them in the first place... it was because of this dream. i also believe this dream reminded me how awful us, as humans, treat eachother sometimes. with words full of hatred that cut like knives, we are slowly killing eachother's spirits. we're dimming eachother's light and it is heart-breaking to sit and watch helplessly as you see it happening all around you every single day. it is important to be kind everyone. that is so important to me. and my subconsious reminded me that night how important it truly is.

the human mind is a powerful thing. a scary and beautiful and wonderful and powerful thing. and to have someone in my life who finally gets it--my mind, this mess of a mind--is terrifyingly magical and surreal. i know you'll be reading this, and i know you will know this is about you. it's nothing i haven't already told you. i know this too... but every single day you inspire me... and i want you to know that.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

i honestly feel like i am at a complete stand still while the world twirls and dances and lives vivaciously around me. i had some weird breakdown last night where i just couldn't stop crying and saying how much i hate it here. but i don't think it's the actual physical place in which i am claiming to feel so stuck in, but stuck among all the people i am surrounded by every day and everywhere i go that are stuck just like me, but maybe don't realize it. i need to get out of this town more than anything in the world, and by april, if i don't get the money i need to get out of the country, i will still be here. stuck. still not moving.

it's still winter here... and i'm starting to hit that patch of nothing in my head where i can't find inspiration or creativity anywhere. i need sunlight warming my back soon. i need to feel grass between my toes and warm air when i'm spinning around aimlessly like a little kid on too much caffeine in wheat fields and abandoned houses.

i AM like a little kid on too much caffeine... i have an appointment with a fancy doctor for my ADD on the 20th, and i dread that day. my mind is always spinning around in every direction, i don't know which way is up. i won't remember pouring a bowl of cereal 5 minutes ago in my kitchen, because i was distracted by sprinkles of glitter falling off of my dresser, and from there continued to walk all over them so they would stick to the bottom of my feet, only so i can crack the joke that i'm "twinkle toes". i can't stay focused on anything unless it's my photography, and even then i move so fast with my editing, i feel like i'm a superhero. maybe i am a superhero. that'd be sweet. i could save people with my camera. how? well, i don't really know, but that doesn't matter right now, because i am on too much caffeine and i'm starting to look at my dry winter hands and want to pick off the fingernail polish from my nails again.

my fingernail polish doesn't stay on for longer than a day. or at least all of it. i like to pick at it, make it looked chipped. make it look like i'm trashy and looking for an adventure. but chipped fingernails or not, i'm always looking for an adventure. i'm always looking for something new to discover and to photograph, and it's still winter and i can't think of what i want to find. i've found my abandoned house, and i've found you. i don't know what i want to find... so i think i'll search for something new. laughter and joy in places where they don't belong. sadness and depression in places of great happiness. i don't know what i'm talking about, really. stop me, please. nevermind, i'll do it.

lately i've been feeling like i just really need something different. not that i'm unhappy with who's in my life and where i am or whatever. we need change right? i just need to see different people and places. just to see what's out there... adventure the world... meet and talk with strangers... buy honey candles and homemade itchy sweaters from sketchy gift shops on the sides of deserted highways. i don't know, i just really need new people. if that started to happen, i'd be so happy. noah and i have plans to drive around all over the US this summer. we're going to get in the car and drive... be gone for a week or maybe just a couple of days... not knowing where we're going or where we'll end up.

i guess that's kind of the way my life is working lately, though. but then again, i don't know anybody who's road has been paved perfectly for them... i mean, there are no manuals. you don't know what life has in store for you, and i think that scares a lot of people. i also think that the things you're scared of are usually the things that are most worthwhile.
i guess i'll find out.