Tuesday, September 20, 2011

It rained today. It's still raining. I have a headache and I want to eat something bad for me, but I won't. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could be with you. Or maybe I wish I could disappear for a while.

I feel as if I don't know where I sit with anyone anymore. I don't know anyone's thoughts towards me, whether they are positive or negative, though I am always paranoid that they are negative. It isn't healthy, and it needs to stop, but it's so hard to fight it. Being pessimistic when it comes to relationships/friendships has always been something I have struggled with and it seems to stem directly from my extreme insecurities in everything I do and say. My confidence level is below zero most days and it's getting harder to deal with and causing more and more issues in my personal life than anybody should have to deal with.

I've always thought to myself that I have a golden intuition, and I still believe that I do. I had more confidence then. If someone was mad at me, if someone felt a certain way towards me, I always knew, because I could always tell. I picked up on every small detail in their body language and their words and I could judge exactly what was on their mind without them even having to say anything. This used to work for me. I think it's changed forms over these past couple of months as my insecurities have worsened into something that isn't intuition anymore, but simply paranoia. I am losing my ability in realizing whether the thoughts in my head are truly my intuition talking to me or my insecurities.

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