Monday, October 25, 2010

i dunno... is it so wrong to be happy over my random small photography acheivements? or just my photography in general? i guess i'm realizing who my real friends are these days by seeing who sticks around as more opportunities present themselves to me, and who leaves and trash talks me behind my back because i'm happy. i honestly feel guilty for having "fans" on my photography page. i feel guilty when someone tells me that they love my photos, because someone will see it, and i almost feel stuck up for just thanking them. i feel guilty for being proud of myself, even for just a minute, because my old "friends" can't stand to hear about it, or see it. maybe i'll just stop.

Friday, October 01, 2010

something is in the air... the atmosphere... the stars... it's making everyone angry. myself included. i'm realizing it and i'm changing it. i'm not going to be this angry person. i refuse to be this angry person. and kind of off topic, but i'm going to try my hardest to not have it effect me anymore when someone says my photography sucks and that my photos would be even worse if i didn't edit them. what.ever. i watched a video Ellen Degeneres made today talking about teen bullying and suicide as a result of it. i can't explain how sad this made me and so.... well.... angry. the world is angry and the world is lashing out at eachother.

gosh... i am terrified of people. so.utterly.terrified. i dunno, maybe if i was naive it'd be easier. if i just thought that everyone was always nice to everybody else... that promises would never be broken... that friendships would last forever... that my heart would never be broken... & that death wasn't really that hard to deal with... maybe it'd be easier. but i'm not naive. i know what it feels like to be stabbed in the back by a friend.... to feel so worthless and alone just over some stupid boy breaking up with me... to feel like my life is over because my friends life is. a lot of people know what it feels like. while i sit at work getting paid to do nothing... i people watch and have seen groups of girls or guys talking trash about their friend standing right in front of them with their back turned. i've seen people talk trash to the cashier about the person that was in line in front of them... about their outfit, or the way they walked, or the way they talked. it makes me want to leap over the counter, run at them full speed, and just shake them until their eyes fall back into their head and they pass out and wake up with some renewed mindset.

but there is hope. i've seen someone pick up a $20 bill someone dropped in front of them and run full speed after them to return it to their hands. i've seen someone compliment another person for no reason... just because they could. i've seen smiles and i've seen genuine love. and not all this just at work. i'm talking in the big ugly world, there are these beautiful souls that give me hope in humanity. that maybe someday things will change. that maybe someday i don't have to feel like i'm preparing for battle every morning i wake up and go online. and that maybe someday i can take off my armor i've been wearing for nearly 20 years and learn to trust people again. my biggest fear is that i'm not one of those people that place hope in other people for humanity. i fear that i am that mean and angry person at the world because people have hurt me and i'm still putting alcohol on my open wounds. i've always been told that i seem like a mean person before people get to know me... that i'm intimidating and unapproachable. i can't explain to anybody how much being told this breaks my heart. it breaks me, and i can't change it.