Friday, April 13, 2012

Sometimes I think I'm too full of passion to live in a place like this. Then I remember how great I feel on the open prairie and dirt roads and I realize how depressed I would become by leaving it. I'm scared I'm going stay here and be lonely forever. Why do I love to feel lonely? Why is it, when I'm with people, I'd rather be alone, and when I am alone, I'd rather be with people? I want to find just one person who gets it. One person to dream with and lay in fields topless and free with. Someone to explore every field and every road with. I don't care what they look like and I don't care about sex. I'm so damn vulnerable all the time and aside from it scaring me, I think it scares other people too. I'm sick of plastic love. Sometimes I feel so alone, stuck in my head. "No one gets me". Typical young minded behavior, you know? I feel like the thoughts that consume me, consume me and me alone. No, you can't understand  me. You don't think about the sky the way I do. You don't stare into the ground thinking if you thought harder you could bury your feet. You don't feel the way I do and you never will and I'll never know who to talk to. I never know if I can genuinely love someone ever again.

In therapy the other day I talked about a subject I've never talked about in so much detail with anyone, ever. Now I can't stop thinking about it. It was eight years ago and it feels like it was last week. It's really been bringing me down and today I've had a migraine since I woke up. It's frustrating knowing that person from so long ago still has so much influence on me to this day. I just want to move on and stop being so weak. I'll never ever forgive them. That worries me that I'll never get over it. But who really could?



2 comments:

Laura Beresford said...

I hope it all comes to you with time, Love is a funny funny thing. I hope you become inspired to move on & i know many people would/will try and help you if they could/can.
This probably doesn't help but you're a gorgeous, inspiring young lady with the world at her feet, there are only more positive things to come! I don't know you personally but i'm sending my love your way :)

Sia Jane said...

I believe in you and I believe that your passions, will, oneday, set you free <3